Learning to control my inner control freak.

Actually I’m trying to refrain from using that term to describe myself, it feels quite harsh and judgmental. I like to control my environment and I do this most when life feels out of control. It’s how I’ve coped with turmoil and major trauma in my life, so it’s no wonder that the COVID 19 pandemic has seen me reach for the highlighters and clear clutter like I’m hosting Marie Kondo for tea.

This is how I deal with the unknown. I plan, and the first thing I do in a crisis is create a ridiculous Spreadsheet. This is my go-to survival mechanism. You name it, grief, depression, chemo. I’ve had a Spreadsheet for it all, but do I a follow my timetables to the letter, rarely. Yet having my colour coded friend displayed on the fridge for my family to ignore fills me with peace and for a moment, fools me into thinking that I have some control over the uncertainty that has descended upon me. Of course I don’t, and I used to feel that making these Spreadsheets was a waste of time, but what they have done is teach me there are things that I can control and things I can’t, and knowing the difference is the key to finding sanity in the craziness.

I can’t control how how long this will last, but I can choose to truly savour the space that has opened up in my life. Space I have longed for. I can’t control how long the schools will stay closed but I can do my best to reassure my students and create a relaxed, nurturing environment at home for my own kids. I can’t control the rules being placed upon us, but I can choose to embrace this slow time at home. I can choose Lego over emails. Slow cooking over frantic meal preparation. Afternoon Art making instead of afterschool activity chauffeuring. Phone conversations instead of texting. Watching the birds in the morning rather than hurriedly blow drying my hair ready for work.

So how do I control my inner control freak? Well, I stop thinking of my need for order as a flaw or a source of shame and simply accept that part of myself. It’s how I manage pain and fear, and that’s ok. I have learnt to channel this need to control in more positive ways. Planning meals means less daily decision and healthier food choices. Taking care of my immediate environment feels like an act of gratitude, and if clear spaces spaces make me feel calm, then I’ll clear the kitchen worktops. Controlling my social media feed means I am not bombarded with anxiety inducing headlines, instead I choose a chose to connect with network of inspiring, supportive, wonderful humans that are making this strange time more bearable. Thank you xxxxx