What I learn from showing my work.
This week was a particularly hectic one. 10 hour teaching days, organising a school visit to Germany, creating a staff training program on communication skills, followed by an exhibition set up and a private view. And that’s just in the last 3 days, soI haven’t had much time to think about my Art. Yesterday I celebrated the opening of a joint exhtibition at a London gallery but the lead up has been so frenetic that I just hung my work, ordered the wine and hoped for the best. It was only last night at the Private View that I had the time to look at my work. Really look at it, and this is what occurred to me:
The pendulum of confidence
When I look at my Art I frequently swing from feelings of joy to those of inadequacy and sometimes this can happen several times in one day! It dawned on me last night what a vulnerable act it is to put one’s Art on display for everyone to judge, espcially when those works are made from a deeply emotional and private place. I have learned that instability my in confidence is just part and parcel of showing my work, a bit like nerves before speaking in assembly or pre take-off flight apprehension, but that doesn’t stop me from public speaking or flying, and it won’t stop me from making or showing my Art.
The problem with praise
Praise always feels nice, but If you rely on the approval of others to construct your sense of self worth then who is your really Art for? You, or everyone else? As my work is predominantly a personal creative journey rather than a business enterprise, I know that need to cultivate more authenticity around my work. What I am exploring in my work is not everyone’s cup of tea and I am sure that some people don’t even understand what I am trying to do, let alone like it, but that’s ok. Maybe I can practice offering myself more praise instead.
Changing the narrative
It was the unending feelings of incompetence and mediocrity that drove my anxiety into the deep trench of depression, and even though I have been fully recovered for several years, that dark shadow of punitive criticism never feels far away. What hides behind the glossy Instagram posts is actually a quiet yet insidious voice that says ‘you’re not that good really. Maybe you should just jack it all in. Go on, just chuck in the towel’. But I am beginning to accept this part of me and change the narrative of my creative journey from artistic ineptitude to one of openended learning, possibilities and challenge. Instead of constantly berating myself that my work is substandard, I use the opportunity an exhibiton gives me to review my work together and review my progress. I try to take a pragmatic approach to aspects of my work that I feel insecure about. ‘What’s not working in my painting? Why is that? How can I change it?
Artists are courageous
This morning I listened to my favourte pod cast Art Juice on my way to work and the discussion was about vulnerabilty.
“Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.” - Brene Brown.
It was just what I needed to hear as it reminded me that it takes great courage to be vulnerable. Showing your Art is an ultimate act of vulnerabity and we should feel proud of ourselves for Daring Greatly In this venture. Being vulnerable is not easy, but daring to show our true selves gives permission for others to the the same. I’m
learning to recognise and respect these small acts of bravery.
Keep going
With all that said, I know that the answer to all the inner turmoil an exhibition of my work ignites is simply keep going. Don’t give up, keep making the work and keep showing up.
